I was wondering around my local grocer a few weeks ago when I decided to give something new a try. I wanted to make some Collard greens. So, like an old pro, I bellied up to the “greens” section of the supermarket and grabbed a few bunches of them. While I was carefully inspecting my Collards, a black lady appeared beside me, grinning, and abruptly asked, “What are you gunna do with those things?” My knee jerk reaction was to placater her with Caucasian platitudes about how I intended to chop them into an endive and radicchio salad topped with Duck Confit, but I don’t think that quickly. Instead I used the time honored tradition of pretending (if you can call it “pretending”) to act like a dumbass when confronted with racial tension by making the greens dance around all marionette style. Still, she pressed. I told her I was just going to steam them and then sauté them with garlic and some pepper. Her facial expression was clearly one of amused confusion – clearly I had said something wrong. This is not how you cook Collards…. but I felt as though I knew I was more right, since not only am I a goddamn chemist, but I’m also a part time master chef. After I left the isle with two bunches of my precious cargo, I looked back and she had rejoined her family and they were looking at me laughing. I had clearly suggested a path to preperation which wasn’t going to work. But I wouldn’t figure that out until I got them home.

Racial issues being a whole separate post, cooking the greens was something of a challenge. I knew better, so I cleaned the sand and dirt out of them and cut the hard-ass stems out. I started them on the steamer but steam wasn’t touching these fuckers. I mean… Collards are a special kind of plant. They’re like cooking maple leaves or something. Steam was ineffective. After 15 minutes, I was getting no where. I expected these things to wilt like spinach… but they don’t. In another pan I had already begun sauteing the garlic and onions. I had to turn it off – the greens were not going to give to simple mortal steam. I started to boil them. 15 minutes of that and they were STILL not getting done. So the recipe had to change. I had a goddamn chicken in the oven and it was waiting for no man. Those greens had to be done in 20 minutes or my whole dinner would be just RUINED.

I grabbed the vinegar. The acidity would certainly aid in the digestion process of the plant. Acetic acid and water do not Azeotrope, but evaporation in a pot is pretty efficient nonetheless (an 18 degree difference isn’t too much, not when you’re doing kitchen chemistry). To be safe, I used red wine vinegar to try to add some sweetness to the acidity. It was working. The greens were cooking faster – but not fast enough. That goddamn thick waxy layer on the greens was proving to be tough to penetrate. I had to go biphasic on its ass. I grabbed the olive oil and poured a bit in and started to pound the greens with a wooden spatula. The tragedy was, after 5 minutes, the greens were still too tough and my water level was getting low. I had to do something a bit drastic – so I transfered the greens into the frying pan WITH THE WATER (with the sauted garlic, onions and cayenne pepper). Now the surface area was expanded – evaporation was going to be faster (good, I needed the temp to get above 100 by removing the water), but at this point I could clearly tell the acetic acid was gone. I needed another acid – one that wasn’t going to evaporate on me. Citric acid. I squeezed half a lime into my concoction and added about 2 grams of salt to help lyse the cells. It needed salt anyway – it a was a bit bland and nothing is better than lime and salt! The combination of the salt and lime appeared to help – the greens quickly softened into a tasty if not salty/citrusy pile. My dinner was saved. Thx chemistry. If you would like to make your own greens like I did, you can follow this recipe:

Yankee Kyle’s White Boy Collard Greens:

  • 2 bushles of Collards (about 600g)
  • half a lime
  • 2g of salt
  • 30mL olive oil (first cold press) (aka 2 tablespoons)
  • 100mg of Caynne pepper 3 cloves of garlic (about 5g)
  • 3g diced red onions
  • 30mL vinegar

In a 7.5L stainless steal pot, both alloquats of Collards (prepared by the standard method to yield 3x5cm squares) were added with 2.5L of water. The solution was allowed to reflux in the open for 15 minutes whereupon 30mL of red wine vinegar and 25mL olive oil was added. The solution was allowed to reflux further with aggressive agitation from a wooden spatula.

In a separate frying pan (30cm diameter with 3cm sidewalls stainless, Calphalon) , 5mL of olive oil was added and heated by a gas flame. Pressed garlic (from 5g), onions (diced – 3g) and Caynne (dried, powdered – 100mg) were added and distributed evenly on the surface of the pan for 5 minutes.

When approximately 1L of water remained in the pot, the contents were transfered (including mother liquor) to the pan and reflux was continued. Addition of salt (2g) and lime were done after approx 5 minutes. The residual solvent was allowed to evaporate until the greens were tender and rather delicious.

Apple and almond stuffed chicken breasts were served on top of the greens. The flavors were very complementary. I enjoyed chromatographing them with my pooper. Mrs. Finchsigmate was not pleased we were eating at 9pm… but how the fuck was I supposed to know that’s how long it takes to cook that shit? HUH!? Pfft. (*I hearts u honey*)